This blog is serving as a tool in Christie's on-going attempts to have the best life she can despite the limmitations and challenges of a serious illness. It is a collection of observations, discoveries and questions she is collecting to help her design the life she wants, despite the limmitations and complications of this illness.
Thursday, November 23, 2006
Doing Better and Thanks
Just wanted to thank everyone who sent Rajah and I their love. We're doing better. Writing my last post helped me work things through and I've managed to let go of the anger and disappointment I felt at first. Watching him more closely these past few days, I've realized that Rajah really has been in a lot of pain lately. His stomach is sick most of the time and I think his back hurts. We'll talk to the vet on Monday and see what we can do for him. And we'll be changing some things around here to make sure that everyone's safe. But mostly I'm just going to spend as much time as I can with him while I still have him. Right now, every time I look at him I just feel thankful to have such a companion in my life. We'll face whatever changes come together - me and Rajah B - as we always have before.
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3 comments:
Glad to hear it!
Dear Christie,
I just read your blog and my mind is in a whirl. Your dog, Rajah is beautiful...your story is deep and has undercurrents which pull and tug on different parts of my psyche...your relationship with Rajah is clearly one of those partnerships which is completely irreplaceable. How can you not be distraught? You know what he has been and what he has been capable of and now he is changed in your eyes and you must find a way to respond appropriately. And here seems to be the rub...you have known Rajah and how much force he is capable of expressing for your benefit...and now he has expressed his unfettered animal instinct in a way which causes you to recoil, not only because of what he did to Lambie, but because of what he could do in the future.
I have had so many dogs, probably thirty at last count...a number of them passed through my hands while I was finding them the perfect home. Many of them were chosen by me for myself and became a part of my home and family. There were only two who truly owned my heart, though I'd have to say I loved them all. At 49 years of age, I have had only two dogs who truly owned me...dogs who would have laid down their lives for me and dogs for whom I'd have gone to the end of the earth and back. My aunt had one such dog - a dog who looked remarkably like Rajah. A German Shepherd who was so regal and trustworthy - until he wasn't anymore. At age twelve he changed. Nobody understood why. Back in those days they said a dog could "turn" - at least that was the British way of describing it. After three close and rather nasty encounters, Alex finally growled and seriously threatened my aunt whom he had loved more than life itself for all those years. While she was putting his food bowl down Alex bit my aunt - she was so fortunate to only receive a bite which required some stitches but she knew then that she had to make a horrible decision. And she knew that had Alex been himself he would never have done it...but he was no longer completely himself and with that bite, my aunt finally recognized the whole truth. She had kids at home and he was a powerful dog, even at twelve. Years later when my aunt spoke of Alex there was a softness and wistfulness about him. She felt that he would not have wanted to hurt her but he had lost his ability to control his more primitive animal instincts and had become a danger to those he had protected for so long. Christie, you know enough to take care. You know enough to recognize the signs of danger. And you know enough, though your heart may not let you, to clearly see that Rajah could, G-d forbid, horribly injure a person (even you), especially now he has tasted blood in this way.
I am so sorry for the anguish this week has seen in the sanctuary of your home. From my perspective, you have a blessed life because you grapple with real life in all its glory, muck, pain, and pleasure. There aren't subterfuges. It's an unvarnished life. And it obviously includes facing death in a way from which many of us would like to be protected.
I wish you and Dave peace, and love, and laughter. I wish for you the strength to deal with Rajah in a way that allows you to cherish him and all your years together.
In friendship,
Naomi
Hi Naomi,
Just got your letter and I appreciate all the thoughts you have shared. I have had some very helpful thoughts from a lot of friends, but none have come right out and presented the side that you have. It is a side I have been very aware of through this week, and I appreciate you brining it up.
I too have heard of dogs (in my experience it has always been German Shepherds, though I imagine it happens to other breeds?) that have "turned" as they got old. The most trustworthy, gentle dog in the world and suddenly, at ten or twelve years old, it becomes aggressive or even attacks its beloved person. I know a few people who say that they never trust German Shepherds because of that tendency. One of my biggest struggles this week has been to sort out if I felt this was what was happening to Rajah. I don't have kids of my own, but I have two young nieces whom I adore. It is one thing to risk me, but I would not risk them. I think if I had children, I would have a much more painful decision to make. I don't believe that Rajah is at the point where he is an unmanageable danger to me or others, but if I had kids at home, I don't think that belief would be enough. As things stand, I will not allow Rajah loose around children anymore. He will be crated when my nieces are here and leashed or kenneled when other young kids are about.
As I have sorted through what happened, one thing that has helped is the realization that the attack was not as out-of-the-blue as it felt to me. I did not expect it because I never imagined it could happen, but it was not exactly without warning. For the past few years (since we moved to the ranch) Rajah has delved into a strong herding instinct. He has an almost uncontrollable need to get animals around me to move for me. He gets so consumed by the need that he can't hear me telling him to stop, he can't think. This has gotten more and more out of control as time has passed. Always before, even in the heat of herding craziness, he could keep his head enough to know that he couldn't cross certain lines. This time he could not. He took his behavior to its natural next level.
The fact that this time he did that tells me that Rajah does not have the control over his animal instincts that he once had. If that weakens more with time, I will have to make a choice with him that I do not want to make - and I will do that when it is necessary to preserve the safety of others or the integrity of what Rajah is. But for now I know a few things: First, I cannot let Rajah begin to move down the path of herding behavior that he shows. Any barking at other animals, any rough play with other dogs, anything that brings out his natural aggression, even if it is in play, is not allowed anymore. That means Rajah doesn't go into situations in which that kind of behavior can be triggered without me present and able to control him. It is easy for me to see when such behavior is tempting him. If I get on it immediately with my voice he usually stops. Plus, he now wears a shock collar, which is the only thing that has always pulled him out of that behavior in the past. And if he is too wound up, he goes on leash.
When I am not around to take control of him or when I need my focus elsewhere, he goes in a crate or on a lead tied in the yard. Rajah has been crate trained since the day he was born and loves his crate - he goes in there on his own any time he is tired or needs time alone. He can easily stay in his crate without coming out for 24 hours or more and be ok with that. So regular crate time will not be a problem, and in a pinch, we could put him in a crate for extended periods if we need to.
So, for now I am just putting into place those restrictions and watching him very carefully. I've realized that I was taking him for granted - he was just always there and always ok without my focus, so I have not paid close attention to him for some time. Now I feel connected to him again. He doesn't even seem to mind the restrictions. I suppose being more connected to me is what he wanted anyway. And I am seeing him in more detail than I have in a while - I am seeing that he has been sick a lot and in pain. He takes what comes so stoically I hadn't noticed. So at least we can do something about that.
So, I do know that a danger exists within dogs that cannot be ignored safely. And I am doing my best not to ignore it. But at the same time, I don't want to write him off before it is time to say goodbye. For now I feel I am mitigating the risks and staying very alert and aware. And we shall see what the future brings.
Christie
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